Yesterday was trying. There is nothing like a rude awakening to help you put the important things in perspective.
Without going into the details of the day up and until the little accident, I will just tell you...I was literally at a breaking point physically, emotionally you nameitally. I was so much to that point that, as I closed the gate to the playground, I was led to and did pray for the Lord to protect my children as they played. I am so thankful He heard me because things COULD and WOULD have been much worse if I had not responded to His prompting to pray at that moment-I just know that in my bones. It is not as if I specifically pray every time we enter a playground so I KNOW this was the Lord. So, speaking of bones....
The kids were playing for about 45 min, and as I stood next to
Anjolie on a bouncy type contraption she went to leap off and caught her feet on the platform as it returned to its original position. Down she fell. The platform was only about a foot and a half from the ground but as she reached her 4 year old little hands out to break the fall... her left forearm snapped-literally. She suddenly looked as if she had 2 elbows...one normal one, and one in the middle of her forearm where it was now bent. It looked as awful as it sounds. I observed this all within about half a second-but of course it felt like 10min. Then what seemed like a slo-mo silent movie was interrupted by bloodcurdling screams from
Anjolie and, of course, a gut wrenching pain in my heart as I saw her precious little arm-was broken. I never thought my heart could hurt so bad over something that happens so regularly to OTHERS. I don't remember anyone telling me that a mommy's heart could hurt so
excruciatingly over a broken bone! I truly believe the Lord will somehow use this incident as a unique teaching tool for a very strong willed
Anjolie or a very strong willed mommy or both- for the benefit of
Anjolie, and to the glory of God. I truly believe, that if I would not have prayed, something fatal could have happened...I will only know in eternity what this entire scene entailed in the spiritual realm.
My mind raced as I thought about my other kids and what would I do..".Brian is not here...is he even off work yet? Oh dear, could the bones have cut an artery? Are they arteries or veins...oh dear, maybe I can run to my friend's house across the street...oh yes, that is it...Brianna can hold the gate closed while I get help... I sure hope she can hold
Ayden....oh my baby...my poor baby...Lord help me please help me do this" Millions of thoughts and feelings within seconds of this "common" accident....why was it suddenly so uncommon? I see kids with casts on all the time? No one said anything about how their mommy almost died of a broken heart when they broke an arm or leg or -anything! Why did I suddenly feel so alone and vulnerable...I found myself strangely out of my element and without tears...oh how I wanted to be able to release
something. The past events of the day suddenly seemed so small and distant...this reality was so glaring.
Anjolie echoed that thought by sobbing "I wish this was a dream"...oh how my heart just clenched...and then came the knife "mommy you should have caught me.*sob*..you should not have let me fall! *sob*"...indescribable grief at how she thought I had failed her in this moment. So many times I
have failed her...lost my patience...said angry words, but never did I grieve over those moments until faced with this -in which I truly was powerless to spare her pain. The burdens of guilt for past failures suddenly shed light on some of the reason for my overwhelmed heart. How quickly, in the past, she would frustrate me and then, seeing my exasperation with her, tell me I don't care about her... "Oh my baby, if mommy could have caught you I would have-
please know that!" I pleaded with her little doubting heart. Her trust in me was not secure...evidences of cracks in her little foundation became apparent. They were in need of major
spackling...work that is much needed on my part. If she can't trust me, how can she learn to trust her Heavenly Father? My sweet broken little one clung to me with her good arm as I pounded on my friend's door about 100meters from the enclosed playground. Praise the Lord the door opened. I stood holding
Anjolie cradled in my arms and quickly asked my friends husband for help. My thoughts and voice suddenly sounded oddly confident and strong...how could that be when I felt so frantic. He too was shocked at the sight of her arm and helped me get the rest of the children loaded. During the 20min drive to the ER we sang Psalm 23, which is
Anjolie's favorite, and she stopped crying. We prayed for strength and grace for
Anjolie to bear the pain. I called Brian who met me at the ER. The trial continued as the Corpsman tried to get an IV line in her tiny arm...they collapsed her vein after 2 attempts and moved to her hand...we held her down as she screamed and kicked. They finally got the IV and quickly gave her enough morphine to put her at ease, but not "out of it". She immediately calmed down and smiled. Both bones in her forearm were broken and they were going to have to put her pretty much "out" to set her arm. They gave her
Ketamine which was about unbearable for me to watch...I looked into those beautiful blue eyes and prayed aloud as the
Drs waited patiently for me to finish. Her eyes clung to mine and and tears welled in both our eyes as they pushed the tranquilizer...about 10 seconds later, she was looking at me still, but no longer "there". A single tear trickled from her eye as she ventured off into a dreamless state...I constantly talked to her assuring her I would not leave...God was with her, leading her in the green pastures. She was a precious little lamb and her Shepherd loves her. Suddenly everything seemed so heavy- much more serious than just a medical problem easily fixed-the weight of her future seemed to rest in some ways on the prayers that I uttered for her in her heavily sedated state. I can't even describe the "darkness" of the moment- nor the "fast forward 12 or so years" thoughts that went through my head. Lord please guide her, protect her, give me wisdom to teach and train her, teach her self control Lord, may she remain pure and learn to love you with all her heart Lord, Father, let her stay on the straight and narrow path...my heart poured out to the Lord pleading for her life..that it would rest in Him. I needed wisdom and grace to guide this little one-correct and inspire her to follow in the paths of righteousness...it had to start with me.
Little
Anjolie "came to" with a beautiful smile and sighing "mommy"...welcome back my little one. Mommy has changed so much while you were gone...seen you in a new light. As your broken little arm heals..so will our relationship, by the Grace of God, it will be made strong and full of trust and respect..the fractures will be mended and cared for as they must be strong for a bright future serving your Lord and Saviour. You must be strong to bear the load of daily trials and the blessings that will abound when you faithfully serve the Lord, strong to embrace your future husband when he is given your hand in marriage, to make your house a home, ...to carry your children...may the trust you learn to have in me grow into an even greater trust in your Lord. He is our strength even when our "arms" are broken and we can't bear the loads.
Psalm 23:3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.