Saturday, March 03, 2007

A Heart For God Part 2

I am the blonde (natural then ;) ) without the bangs

Jer. 29:13 And ye shall seek me, and find [me], when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

Judas witnessed Christ perform miracles- he heard the preaching first hand from our Lord, and yet he betrayed Christ...with a kiss. Judas never "got it". Judas knew he had betrayed a good man, but did not truly believe in Christ the Son of God -God in flesh. He did not know the Master-though he walked with him. That is the tragedy of all tragedies. We betray Christ when we say He is our Savior and Lord but choose to walk our own way. Like Judas, Satan wants us to be backed into a corner where we think the only answer is self-murder. He wants us to think God is not powerful enough to forgive our sins of the past or to heal the pain we have caused ourselves from horrendous sins. Satan cannot enter us as he did Judas if we are truly Saved, but he does do everything possible to destroy our testimony and wants us to be a stumbling block to others. God paid an infinite price for us on the cross- He loves us infinitely. A heart for God is one that has been cleansed from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 says "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us [our] sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." You may have committed the worst of sins...whatever they are -but if you have trusted in Christ as your Personal Savior- He wants to restore you to Himself in PERFECT FELLOWSHIP.

In the 8th grade, I tried out for cheerleading. I saw the girls in their cute little skirts ( and I do mean little- barely covered ...anything) and noticed right away that if I wanted to have friends and be happy in school...I needed to be a cheerleader. A cheerleader had license to dress skimpy and dance seductively without being labeled ugly names...all the boys loved the cheerleaders and it was just one big clique...what could be a better chance to get "in" to this frenzy of popularity? The first time I tried out, I was an alternate, but the next season, I was co-captain of the JVs and the next year I was on a National team to compete in Dallas Texas. I was accepted- I was finally in.... . It was as if 7th grade never happened-on the outside, but part of me longed for the rejected innocent girl that loved her Lord. I felt the Lord drawing me back, but was quickly swept up with distractions of cheerleading practice, away games, drama, ballet... I started to listen to the music my friends did........Weigh that last statement. Take music seriously...don't compromise with your kids on is dangerous. You cannot change your child's heart or lusts for worldly things, but you can take a firm stand against the music allowed in your house and car. Music was a "gate way" for the evil one to "seduce" me ...lure me away from Christ. At first, I literally would feel sick to my stomach as the drones of Depeche Mode and the Cure "ministered" to me in a most evil way. Here are some of the words to a song I would listen to.. "Enjoy the Silence" Depeche Mode
"Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable"

At the time I thought it felt healing to listen to such things, but this along with Nine Inch Nails and other music that I now see directly attacks the work of sickens me even now as the tunes come into my mind. It still "lunges" at my flesh and sickens my spirit in an unexplainable way that I can only see more clearly what it was really doing now, after having guarded myself from it for these many years....

Some who read this may think I am being dramatic in my words concerning music, teens, compromise...if only I had more dramatic words to use to relay the gravity of these "symptoms" I showed in my visible choices. The music helped me nurse my feelings of bitterness about how I had been treated, they nurtured rebellion toward authority, the music confirmed the lie satan whispered that I was just misunderstood and therefore justified to act out and get the attention I deserved. I could be a "star" - my wildest fantasy could come true if I was just given a chance...dangerous lies whispered in the ears of our kids today. Music, movies, news...even Disney "When you wish upon a star...makes no difference who you are...the dream that you wish will come true" . If making a dream come true means we have to is wrong. Another post for another time- (no we don't ban Disney ) .

Deep down, I knew the friends I made were a "package deal"- I had to maintain a "cool" appearance to keep them- and it wasn't me they liked anyway it was a plastic package- hollow empty. My compromises in dress, music, friends wore on me...tormented me caused me to be sleepless. I knew I was living a lie. I tried to "help" my feelings of uselessness by being nice to everyone..embracing everyone as my friend. I was so proud of the fact that I chose not to be a snob..oh how wonderful Heather was to still associate with the "others" ...blech...pathetic. I found that I could appease my guilty conscience by not going to certain parties or drinking or smoking...this would keep people interested in me- for a time. It was like a challenge to taint the girl who was new to the "world" and its vices. Though even now I look back and see God's protection *tears* undeserved. NOT ONE TIME was I offered drugs- that is truly a miracle folks-wrought, in part, by praying parents. All my friends had been approached and most of them tried at one point or another- but never once in high school or college was I ever approached. God is so good to know I probably would not have gotten out of that pit. But, ladies, satan is never happy with just a few compromises here and there..I was still at a point where it would have been easy to kneel at the cross and be restored. I had not outright done anything that the world would consider wrong, but I was not in fellowship with God..I had abandoned Him. Spiritually I was in a dangerous spiral. Looking back I can see the moment I chose to walk my own way- I was in serious trouble. Christ was not reigning on the throne in my heart...He was my Insurance Policy...I thought I knew what was best for my heart I sob at that truth that my actions revealed. Rebellion against parents is rebellion against God and is never to be taken lightly. I was using my own wisdom and strength to make decisions...which led to some minor (in my mind) compromises, but nothing that would alarm an onlooker. Satan knew he had to get me to a point where I would add up so much iniquity and do so much damage to my testimony that I would be numb to any stirring of the Holy Spirit- that to go humbly back to my Savior and beg forgiveness would be more painful than continuing in my life of sin.

Whenever I did feel down (which was most of the time)I would just pop in music that helped me nourish my anger and bitterness which I then directed at my parents. It was cool to be depressed in the late eighty's and early ninety's. I fit in! I was a typical teen right? Don't accept that lie...pray for better in your child. No saved teen is going to be happy in his/ her life of sin and they have got to blame out. During this whole time, I was still active in my Youth Group at church...I would sing, performed in a puppet ministry. I appeared to have it "all together". I would say the key to "seeing" state of your teenagers heart is in his/her music. Don't underestimate the power of music to "feed" the evil course of a heart. I don't feel the need to go into detail about every sin I indulged in during my backslidden state..there is no need to compare that some who read this might feel better about their "baggage" or worse. Believe me when I say my heart was in a dire condition and worse. If you are concerned on a personal level about your teen or loved one, you may e-mail me personally...the Lord may lead me to share on a deeper level.

The summer before 10th grade I met Brian at Vacation Bible School. I was introduced to my husband by my friend Tina. Both of us were saved, but neither of us were walking with the Lord. By our senior year we were very serious in our relationship and had tallied up many scars in our lives that we are still paying for to this day because of our disobedience to the Lord concerning fornication. I can't tell you the pain and regret that I feel towards my parents and most of all my Lord and Savior for the choices I made, but I share this in hopes..pleading with anyone who is not walking with the Lord to get things right ...right now! You can bend your knee at this very moment and get right with the Lord.
If you think the pain stops here in my choices, it only gets worse. On the outside everything looked my heart I was dying. I can't tell you the depths of despair my heart felt being out of fellowship with God. Yet, on I continued..blindly grasping reaching toward nothing. Look at the words of the music your teen speaks what they can't. The evil one is giving them a ballad. Pray for a way "in" to your teen's heart...pray fervently.
I was voted to be in the homecoming court my Senior year...I had lots of friends, I was a great cheerleader, I had one of the top chairs in County Chorus...all vanity. I was dead inside because I was grieving the Holy Spirit. When I turned 16 I found out I could get into certain Dance Clubs that did not serve alcohol...the devil didn't need alcohol yet to lure me further on my path of sin. The Dance floor offered a whole new playground. I discovered I could dance well in cheerleading, and sure enough, I could get lots of attention on a techno-club floor as well. I can dance with my husband at a Marine Corps Ball or Wedding, but I to this day cannot listen to techno music without being physically ill. Techno music even has a "trance" category of music which I will tell you works to numb all inhibitions...Satan is using the techno music, YES MA'AM HE IS, to lower your kids ability to discern right from wrong and any sense morals. IT WAS LIKE A DRUG to me...I felt "high" on this music. Lucifer was once the Choir leader of the Angels of not think he does not know the power of music. His demons are ministering a ministry of darkness and destruction to the hearts of our kids today through the techno raves, clubs, your very home. The music puts the mind into a trance state so that Satan's playground is in the minds of our kids. It is only by the Grace of God that I did not sink to the lowest depths...some of you may have and God wants to heal you. Parents I plead with you to take what your child is listening to seriously. I justified the techno over the heavy metal because most times, the techno did not have any words. Demonic power..I can't emphasize this behind the world's music. (Lord hedge me about as I share...that even one life might be influenced to turn to You).

Compromise is ALWAYS a serious situation. I started college and things got even worse as I was tangled about in the snares of the world...every time the Lord chastened...I ran blindly into more be continued

Some of you may be wondering what my parents were doing...where were they? They were doing the best they could. Taking me to church, praying for me, reading the Bible to me, encouraging me- making hard decisions when faced with a willful teen. It's a CHOICE to follow the parents could not have possibly known my heart- I did not even myself "see" what was happening. I share this with the light of hindsight.

Jon 2:5 "The waters compassed me about, [even] to the soul: the depth closed me round about, the weeds were wrapped about my head." -Jonah on being swallowed by the Great Fish.


Liz said...

Heather, I'm crying as I read this. It's like you are writing for me. You are so open about it though. I still have trouble opening up about my past. I feel like people who knew me then will only remember me for the sins I committed if I speak openly about it. I wish we could have talked one on one more. I believe God is using you to comfort and encourage me as I struggle to get my life on track. I love you! You are such an encouragement.

Heather said...

((hug))Liz..if you only knew. I will email you when I get a chance. I love you and I praise the Lord that even though it Pains me to write helps heal-not only myself but dear sisters in Christ. Love you-heather

Mishel said...

Heather, I also appreciate you being so open and honest...and it just gives glory to the Lord and what He has done in your life. I too, am thankful how He can take those of us with a painful past and redeem our lives...for His glory. Praise Him!! : ) Love you, Heather!

Jungle Mom said...

I hope you dont mind that I dropped in. My husband was (is, once a marine always a marine!) a 3rd generation marine. We are now missionaries in Venezuela. But when I saw you were married to a marine I had to comment.

Happymama said...

Heather (((hugs))) to you. I know it's not easy writing about your past. I have a hard time THINKING about mine, much more telling others about it. Satan does everything in his power to remind me everyday of my past.

I love you, my sister! Thank you for sharing.