Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Welcome Home Daddy!



Music "Children's Song" by olstein Sevag from the Album WINDOWS-25 Years of Piano

Saturday, October 31, 2009

A Peek Into My Day

YLCF Blog CarnivalI guess today is as good as any to give one a peek into the day of a stay at home mom of four. My beloved will soon be home from his tour in Iraq, so this is a unique look at my day!

Normally, my alarm is set to go off at 6am, and this morning, it was, but I must have turned the volume down because I didn't hear it go off. Praise the Lord, He allowed me to wake up at 7am which still allowed me a little over a half hour to get my two oldest girls, ages 8 and 6 ready for school. The girls woke up quickly and I ironed their PE uniforms that they were to wear for Friday. My dryer broke a few days ago...(it must be on strike with the leaky garbage disposal and the ever running toilet since they all have been giving me attitude within the same week)...so, the uniforms were still a bit damp around the waist band where I had hung them to dry. I tried to at least heat it up to where the girls wouldn't notice....they did.

Lunches were packed, breakfast eaten, hair was done, backpacks organized , and finally, I woke up the youngest two to load them in the car for the 10 minute trip to school. After dropping off the girls and getting home...I started my morning clean up and making beds getting dressed, and then, I realized it was Friday and if I wanted to get the laundry over to the laundromat, I had better get going. Googled some laundromats, made some phone calls and then I got Lily and Ayden ready, took a look at the 3...yes THREE baskets of laundry that needed to go, and chickened out. I decided to buy a clothes line since the weather has been so mild and seeming to beg for some laundry to dry.

We loaded up, the 3 of us, after some breakfast and a snack. The kids have been in desperate need of Fall clothes and I prayed as I pulled into Kohls that I would be a good steward. I actually was, by the grace of God and with the help of the 50% off sales rampant throughout. I spent under $30 for 4 shirts, one for each child and a pair of socks. Next, we headed over to the library to return an overdue video and some books that Brianna finished well before the due date. Ayden and Lily wanted to go in, but I needed to head over to check the thrift store for some pants. We would have to do the library another day. The thrift store was just down the road, conveniently, and I found pants for each child and a shirt for Ayden. Each item was priced at around $2.99 which wasn't too bad. I prefer the .25cent finds at garage sales, though ;) In the midst of it...I got a message from my husband. I guess there was no reception in the store lol, it just figured and my poor husband had waited for who knows how long in line for the phone to call me. I would have been upset if he wasn't scheduled to come home so soon, but since he was, I felt badly for him, and not so much for me.

The kids and I were starting to get hungry and so I got some fries for them and a soda for me to tide us over until we could get home. We had one last stop to make before it was time to pick up the girls. Ayden fell asleep on the way to Walmart where I was intending on getting the clothes line. I also had some items I needed to return and of course the line was about 10 deep. Poor Ayden was so thirsty and so I smiled as Lily hoisted him up to the fountain just a few feet from the line in customer service. I left Walmart without the clothesline I so desperately needed and used every minute of the 10 remaining to get over to the school in time to pick up the girls.

3:05 I pull up to the sweet smiling faces of Brianna and Anjolie. The kids all talked excitedly about their new and used clothes. A new shirt and pair of pants for each of them, in some cases 2 new pants...it was like Christmas :)

As we drove home I thought about how long it would take to make my pizza dough because we had been invited to a friends house for 5pm. It usually takes me about an hour and a half to make pizza, so I knew I would be pushing it. The kids poured out of the car and into the house where I told them to quickly get their bags put away and lay down until it was time to leave so that I could make pizza. That wasn't happening....so they decided to watch the Elmo deployment video for the thousandth time while I begged the dough to not give me any problems.

4:45pm I realize that I'm not going to make it to my friends' house by 5pm but after the phone call it turns out that 5:15-30ish would be just as good since her baby was napping. By 5:05ish we all raced out of the house. Me with my piping hot pizza on my baking stone...yep, stuck it right in the front seat along with my friend's dish that I needed to return and we were off for an evening of play and fellowship. And now, it's almost 9pm and here I sit, the day is done, kids are each in their OWN beds...not mine, tonight, and I am just thanking the Lord that I have no where to be tomorrow! God is so good, all the time.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Do You Ever...

hold on so tight inside that it almost feels like you are shaking? I feel like that sometimes...gripping truth with all I've got...just holding on to the fact that the Lord WILL sustain me...and I'm holding on as if that truth could some how run off without me. It's not the big things that end up shaking me to the core. It's the overwhelming sense of loneliness in the everyday situations. For the big things, I do have plenty of support and know I have friends I can call on and family if they are needed. But, in the moments of every day *stuff* the fighting and crying and laundry, the leaky garbage disposal, the toilet that won't stop running...you know, just normal *stuff* to include the recent sick stuff, I suddenly find myself feeling very alone and tense and clinging... But finally, the Lord brings to mind that it's not me that is holding on to the truth, it is the truth within that is holding me...as if I'm gonna run off without IT. Then, I have to physically force my body to relax and my lungs to breath and just REST in that. He's got it...He's got me...I just have to relax and go with it.

Uphold me according unto thy word, that I may live: and let me not be ashamed of my hope. Hold thou me up, and I shall be safe: and I will have respect unto thy statutes continually.
Psalm 119:116-117

Monday, October 26, 2009

What Road Is This?


Do you ever find yourself wondering where you made that last turn in life? I mean, I had the definitive ones, like having a baby, and another one...then repeat that 2 more times. After that it was...where did all these little ones come from and are they ever going to grow up a little so I can have a moment to myself....and now...

I have that moment. It seems like it's moving at lightning speed and I want to have something to show for it. I spent a good while the other day going back through my blog posts and reading the adventures. I watched the videos...and I wanted to cry. That seemed ages ago. But at least it's there recorded...that moment. I laughed I smiled and I cried...and I wrote it down. It might not have made all that much sense all the time, but I did attempt to capture my thoughts and feelings. To have others that enjoyed that moment too and commented...well, I have that as well...which makes this even better than a scrapbook, really :)

So, back to that turn I had made. I think I turned from the thoughtful pondering of a blog to the fast quick easy FB with lots of people who really don't know me....probably never will. They would never take the time to read a blog post...most of them.....so, I'm just thinking....jaded by a recent event and thinking....how did I get here and where do I go from here....

Friday, May 08, 2009

She Returns...

...and it is bittersweet. I have trouble "facing" my blog, and that may sound strange but it is true. This micro-dot in the cybersphere is a sort of distant "home" to my heart, and we all know, it isn't always easy to come "home". Things are never the same are they?

Seems so very strange to me that my heart can feel so heavy yet be in complete acknowledgment that God is on the throne. The experience of His Grace and the experience of the trials necessary to understand that His Grace is all sufficient, render me speechless most times. Oh, I can muster little "blurbs" on FB but to actually come here...home, to hit the pressure release valve on my heart and pour it all out onto this glaring white screen like old times, is something I am finding more and more difficult to do. The trials and burdens I am used to sharing, no longer consist of the every day consequences of a large family with a focus challenged homeschooling mommy trying to make it through the day with a clean house to boast....no...our worlds now are forever changed aren't they? Each and every one of us now bear the worry of what tomorrow will hold in this very changed nation. Then, there are the hurts and burdens of friends, loved ones...dire circumstances and health situations that seem to be of such gravity that the English language limits us to even share with one another the depths of the sorrow we feel over these circumstances. Praise the Lord, He makes intercession for us...because, I'll be honest friends, I just don't have the words, only the tears to show for the white knuckled pleading in my heart. I'm so thankful that sometimes even to say the name of Jesus is enough to flood my heart with a sense of comfort....His name and all that it means to my heart helps to focus my mind. Just to lift my flesh bound hands and say His name brings such release when I remember all that He did on the cross. His very name holds more meaning than I could write in a life-time. My precious Lord Jesus, let me never fail to find comfort in letting my burden rest on your ever listening ear...

Friday, February 27, 2009

(Catchy Title Goes Here)

Interesting phrase to get your attention...

....followed by more rambling and ... - and ** to replace any real sort of punctuation. ;)

Yes, I have already used the title "Random" so, I am sure you can think of something better and do a mental cyber-insert up there to better complete this little update. Creativity has been replaced with practicality for the time being and it is not pretty. Iam working to remedy the imbalance as quickly as possible. :)

If you are on Facebook, you probably already get my little status updates and such. I think Facebook is killing my capacity to come up with anything meaningful to put on here! But, I love you, and my blog so I will work harder at "saving" my material for this, my cyber-home.

I guess the big looming gray ominous looking cloud is that Brian deploys in a few months. He will be in and out before he deploys, but this is our first BIG separation and so I am gearing up for it mentally, spiritually, fiscally, physically and emotionally...and not necessarily in that order. The one really neat thing about BIG LOOMING GRAY clouds is that there is a huge blinding sun behind it :)

God is so good. He has placed us in this beautiful little "nest" with all that we need. I knew when He made the way for us to rent this house...He was providing for trials ahead. :) He has provided sweet fellowship with friends both far and near who have gone through this and are going through this very thing. I have family nearby (well nearer than Japan anyway.haha) who have already volunteered to come this summer and offer a helping hand. Summer is right around the corner which will be a nice boost in this upcoming winter of separation. Even this trial pales, in my heart of hearts, when compared to the *mountains* that other dear friends are scaling with the Lord's help. May the Lord always help us to see HIM even when there are dark looming clouds swirling about us.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Hunchback of Virginia Beach

I am cracking up at how my posts always seem to be drastically different from one to the next...such is my life.

Once a month, Brian has to work with his reservists and while I am so glad I get to see him in the evenings, Sunday mornings, I miss his helping hand in getting the children ready for church. This past Sunday was especially challenging because Anjolie, who is picky anyway, was having a fit because I didn't have an extra t-shirt for her to put on under her dress...and the life threateningly tight sash was not quite tight enough...as, according to her, she could still *breath*. Quite frankly, I did not have time, nor was I in the mood, to find a solution or prepare another outfit for her to wear, and I made that fact as clear as I possibly could.

After dealing with her huffing and puffing pouting, Anjolie finished getting ready and we were all ready to walk out the door. Before we walked out, I noticed about an inch of one of Anjolie's pink pj shirts was poking out of the top of her dress...another 5 minutes of crying and pouting and correcting pass...I sent Anjolie up to her room to get the pj-shirt off and quickly loaded the other 3 in the van. Anjolie, in much better spirits, finally joins us in the car -albeit with a heavy winter coat on that I told her she would not wear into church since it was too warm for that.

The Yost family minus Daddy made it to church with 5 minutes to get 3 in Sunday School, one in nursery and myself to class...I was breathless but thankful the morning seemed to be smoothing out. My mind was full with what the day held and it was all I could do to concentrate on Pastor's class, but about midway through, I was focused on what counted- a day of worship.

You know, these crazy things that happen in this household are too crazy to be made up...this stuff is better than fiction, I tell ya. I prefaced the incident with all this to hopefully win you to the *how* I could have "missed" the "hunchback" thing. So hang on...to make this hopelessly endless....

After Sunday School, it got a little crazy again as I have to pick up the girls from class in the next building and quickly move Ayden to another nursery room sign him in, grab a pager and finally get into the sanctuary for the service. Since Brian wasn't there, I couldn't get up to choir, which turned out to be, a.good.thing. When I picked up Anjolie, I noticed that my friend wasn't there teaching, only her husband, and since he was busy, I called Anjolie to hurry and go with me to church. Anjolie turned around to say goodbye to a friend and as she turned, I saw the straaangest thing. Lo and behold, there was a leg of tights hanging down her back from her collar...............what.in.the.WORLD? Yes, a leg of white tights just uh, hangin' from the collar of her navy blue dress, like it was cool...the rest of the thing remained stuffed down her dress. At least, the foot appeared fresh and clean, I noticed-so, it coulda been worse, like the foot coulda been filthy black or something. Anyhoo, I pulled out the tights as we quickly walked to church, me shaking my head and Anjolie whining somethin' about her zipper bein' cold.... I thought, perhaps, I hadn't used enough fabric softener or something! I NEVER would have guessed they were there on purpose! Oh, honey, it aint OVER YET!

We were walking briskly, the 3 of us, and I shoved the tights quickly into my purse before we entered the main building. As we herded ourselves into a pew, I noticed Anjolie still had a huge hump on her back! I kid you not...and the row behind me was witness, to the near entire panty/sock/tights drawer that I fished out of the back of Anjolie's dress before their eyes. YES! Who knows what was going through the poor people's minds as they tried to cover their chuckles. I did what any stunned mom would do... gave a helpless hand lifted shrug and an apology....I mean, what does one SAY about something as unexplainable as this? Anjolie thought it seemed pretty logical that, since she didn't have a t-shirt to shield her back from the cold zipper...shoving the entire panty drawer down her back would have to suffice. So, have you about "heard it all" now? Somehow I'm thinkin' I shoulda just let the pink pj shirt slide...just this once.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Miracle



It has been 2 months since I got the email letting me know that my friend, Andrea's daughter had been in a horrible car crash here in Va Beach. It happened at a time where there was so much going on in my life as well that I just couldn't even bring myself to post..so, I'm sorry this is late, but thrilled that I can report good news :)

We knew Andrea and her children in Okinawa and had only recently found out we were living this close to one another, here in Va Beach, when Brian ran into Andrea at the commissary. While in Okinawa, little Natalie was in nursery with Ayden and I taught Isabel in 3&4 year olds where her brother Zach would help out, and Andrea was in our Sunday School class.

On December 16th, Andrea, her husband and 2 girls (Zach was at school) were stopped at an intersection and a tractor-trailer hit them from behind at over 40 mph. Here is the news story with pictures. The driver of the rig had not seen them or the light...he plowed right into them. The trunk was pushed into the back seat where little Natalie 3, and Isabel 4 sat in their car-seats. Isabel suffered a concussion but little Natalie's head was pinned against her mother's seat causing 3 fractures in her skull. Things did not look good. Isabel was discharged from the hospital after a few nights, but Natalie's little brain was swelling and the swollen tissue was starting to die. She was vomiting and not able to respond...little Natalie was not supposed to make it...and if she did, they thought she would be severely disabled and brain damaged.

My friend never faltered in hopes of bringing Natalie home...she was clinging to her prayers that God would heal and send a healed Nat home. When we talked in the lobby of the children's hospital where Natalie was being treated...my friend and I cried and prayed and just poured our hearts out to God. They were going through some other trials as well on top of the accident and the situation just left my head spinning..."How...", I silently asked "how are You going to take care of this?" knowing full well that God would ultimately bring my friend closer to Him and glory to Himself...in whatever He did. People all over the world were praying for this precious girl that God so wonderfully made.

God chose to heal Natalie quickly and on this side of eternity. She was released from the hospital a short time after Christmas...her mom had re-potty trained her and worked round the clock with her to rehabilitate her while staying at her daughter's side in the hospital. Andrea brought Natalie and Isabel over to play the other day and according to Andrea, the neurologists have NO explanation for the recovery. Oh, she still goes to therapy for speech and physical (I think), but the little girl I sat and talked to and watched play with my little ones looked and acted as if nothing had ever happened. It was SO good to see them and love on them. God is good...and I again stand in complete awe and amazement of Him. God is still answering prayer He is still comforting and carrying the grieving and the hurting. I am still praying for miracles.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Walle

Our church is memorizing two verses a week from 1John...so that by the end of the year we will have memorized the whole book. The kids and I practice at lunch time...today, I thought it would be neat to video our progress, but Ayden decided that being "Walle" was more fun- I thought so too. My voice is SO annoying in this...sorry!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Loving One Another

As moms we spend a lot of time picking up our little ones when they have fallen, wiping their tears, patting their backs...showing our love...the action of love. The tone of voice we use- our facial expressions, everything, is absorbed and interpreted in our little one's minds...they are being molded and formed, and belief systems are fast developing based upon our actions. I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly side of me, in my children...but what is most beautiful, and gives the greatest amount of hope, is seeing God work in my children's lives and blessing, in spite of me.

Today, as the children played, I stood and watched from a distance as Lily fell from her bike. I could tell that she wasn't hurt badly, but she was hurt enough that she was crying...so I waited just a second to see...and yes, her sisters came and helped set her up and loved on her and patted her to make sure she was okay. All arguments and hurts from the past played no part when it came to helping their sister in need. Lily didn't push them away and ask for mommy, as she would have done in past years, she blessed the hearts of her sisters in allowing them to love on her and help her up. My heart was so full in that moment. Love...in action..what an amazing and mysterious work God has provided that gives testimony to the nature of Christ! Seeing that display of love between sisters was even better than if I had gone to comfort her myself...and I couldn't help but think that was a touch of how God feels when He sees us as Believers, loving one another. Sure, He can come and set us up when we fall, and He does...but how much sweeter for all when He works in and through us....how it must bless Him to see His love displayed before Him and what a blessing to able to be a vessel used to comfort and love a sister in Christ.

1 John 4:12 No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.

picture from all posters.com

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Sickies

I think that's what we are going to change our names to because for the last couple of months...it seems we have been hit with one bug after the other! The Dr's office wants to cram my kids full of antibiotics...which, I agree, sometimes they need it...but it's like, not even worth the appt anymore, why not just make them OTC. At the rate they are giving them out-it sure would free up the Dr's office...for those of us, well, maybe it's just me, who are convinced our children are, you know "dying".

Anyway, (I LOVE that transition word...shows my lack of want to think), poor Brian just ran out to Wallyworld to get some ear drops for Brianna who is up there in her room crying about her ear. I though I'd take this moment to...blog and let you know that if you put dry rice in a sock and heat it up (carefully as it continues to heat up after removed from the nuke) in the microwave, it makes a wonderful soothing compress for a sore ear. We still got the homeopathic ear drops...as I really don't want to run out at 2 am and get them...and now I totally lost my train of thought. No surprise there...I hear Brian attempting to get the drops in...I'd better help. Pray for my little sickies please!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Babe's Alive


Brian and I had a tough time deciding what Christmas gifts to get for the kids this year. We were not real impressed with much of what they have out there and the ones we were impressed with, we could not afford. Well, it came time to pick a "big" gift for Lily and when I saw that little Baby Alive over there was 50% off at R US, I couldn't resist. "How cute!" I thought...Lily was such a big help when it came to potty training Ayden and here is a doll that eats and goes #1, #2 in her very own little potty...wow, this would just thrill Lily! I had such cute little pictures in my mind of Lily lovingly feeding and changing the little talking, blinking, giggling, sweet looking doll that I really didn't think much further than that.

Christmas came and the Baby Alive..."Cherry" as Lily named her was all the rage. What I didn't realize is that this thing needs to be potty trained...like, that's the novelty of it. Well, Lily ran out of diapers for the baby like, that. day...those things had about the absorbency of a band aid and little Cherry didn't "make it" to the potty at all that morning.
"I need to go potty", Cherry would say...only to say "ooops I had an accident" like 2 seconds later...*sigh* . Lily left Cherry on the floor and when Cherry gave me the warning...I snatched her up and raced to find her potty...COME ON, I just got done training Ayden, I was not about to train a doll!! So, the kids fed Cherry at her every complaint of thirst and she peed on Lily, Ayden and Brianna and Anjolie...which always resulted in a mess for me and squeals of laughter from the kids. This was NOT FUN, this was some cruel joke by the toy company. I wonder how many of them just sit at home and *laugh* at us poor moms racing these "babies" to the "potty". Insanely, I let Lily feed the thing "food" that came with it, which was a REAL mess as Cherry informed "I made a stinky"...and stained her dress *grrr*. Then as if all this wasn't bad enough, Lily put Cherry down for a nap and Cherry wet my sheets....as I cleaned little Cherry up, I noticed that someone had "fed" Cherry some of their dinner...penne pasta. So, I had to clean out Cherry's plumbing so she didn't grow mold *ahem* Finally, since Cherry wasn't getting much use out of her potty, I guess Ayden decided he would....YES MA'AM he did...needless to say, Cherry is on vacation now and won't return for at least a few months!

I'm Praying For You

I have *several* friends at the moment who have entered into the fellowship of Christ's suffering....I am praying for you.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Oh, To Be Real


"Pictures of perfection...make me sick and wicked"~Jane Austen

Not that everyone has to go around bearing their soul about every last detail of their sin...but some sense of reality would be nice! I'm not really talking about what people display but what I am willing to "see" and believe. There have been so many wonderful ladies in my life who have tried to steer me in the right direction on this...*real* women. Their voices ever ring in my head, the scriptures they lifted up have been used in many a battle. I am disgusted with the ever envious desire-the ravenous never satisfied appetite to be perfect...not by God's standards and in His time, but I have such a desire "feel" good about myself. I want to KNOW that what I am doing is good and right. Instead of accepting God's plan...I jump on my own fast-track to appearing, feeling "perfect". What a joke. No one is righteous apart from God.

So, this is the thing, I start out with a good desire...to set a good example for my children, to be pleasing to my husband, to promote peace and order in the house and I move along in God's time until...I see someone else who "appears" to "really" have it together and my pride stumbles me and stomps me into the ground and causes me to "drive" toward *that* mark that I saw which was only a glimpse of a moment of someone else's life. I turn my eyes away from God and toward some other goal that leads to destruction.

What started out as a good desire was foiled by comparing myself with someone else. Paul warns us not to do this -2 Corinthians 10:12,17. So now, I've stumbled and I justify myself in saying that I never want to be "ahead" of anyone...I just want to "blend in" with the fellow saints. Yeah, blend in, with 4 kids ages 2.75 to 7. It is really a disease that has spread a desire to blend in with looks as well. Most of you know of my discontentment with my nose...it so doesn't blend and drives me to distraction, though I do have a sense of humor about it :) If someone snubs me (rather, *appears to*) I automatically assume it must be because I'm not good enough. Ridiculous huh? Now I've gone on to falsely accuse the Brethren...and get bitter about things I have imagined! Even if it was true- God is who matters.

I better wrap this little rambling up and continue with our school day...but, Oh, to be REAL, my spirit longs for this, and for me, it will come with contentment. Being content with what God has for me now in every way. Lord, help me to be content, to not be a false accuser, to remember..it's NOT ABOUT ME and only concerned with pleasing you.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Totally RANDOM

I love to make homemade pizza but have always been disappointed with the canned pizza sauce...I discovered that adding a couple of Tbs of pesto makes a WORLD of difference. Alllllrighty then :) on with the day!

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Lonely Lie


Is there any worse feeling than loneliness? When I am in the valley, I am attacked with such an utter feeling of being isolated and alone...it feels like I'm choking. I am so glad that is just a lie from the evil one...not reality.

Job had to feel alone...though surrounded by the wagging tongues of well-meaning friends. I think I have spent more time on the "well-meaning but worthless" advice side than on the suffering side, I'm afraid.

"Even to day [is] my complaint bitter: my stroke is heavier than my groaning. Oh that I knew where I might find him! [that] I might come [even] to his seat!I would order [my] cause before him, and fill my mouth with arguments.I would know the words [which] he would answer me, and understand what he would say unto me.Will he plead against me with [his] great power? No; but he would put [strength] in me.There the righteous might dispute with him; so should I be delivered for ever from my judge.Behold, I go forward, but he [is] not [there]; and backward, but I cannot perceive him: On the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot behold [him]: he hideth himself on the right hand, that I cannot see [him]: But he knoweth the way that I take: [when] he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. My foot hath held his steps, his way have I kept, and not declined. Neither have I gone back from the commandment of his lips; I have esteemed the words of his mouth more than my necessary [food]." Job 23:2-12

It's comforting to know the end of Job's story-to know God was with him, on his side the entire time. Sometimes it makes me want to "fast forward"...to Glory when all will be made clear. My heart *deeply* aches for those I know who are suffering and I am reminded constantly to pray.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Back On Milk

"Of the seven deadly sins, anger is probably the most fun. To lick your wounds, smack your lips over grievances long past, roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontation still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain your are given and the pain your are giving back-is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you" -Frederick Buechner

I never thought of myself as a selfish person...much less an idolater, a luster after fleshly things...but I am. From May 22, 2001, until about a year and a half ago, I walked the floors with babies...I cleaned and scrubbed myself silly, sometimes went a week on a few hours of sleep due to sick children...so, in my mind, any time left over was MINE to use how I saw fit, and I guarded that time ferociously. Oh, I would make sure I read my Bible and prayed and gave of what I counted as MY time to Him...which made me, in my eyes, that much more holy and righteous. I loved serving in church with any extra that I had and then some- anything to "feel" right. During all this I still suffered from what I would classify as major PMS, depression, headaches, achines, nervousness, fears about assurance. Over the past year, add to that list: extreme irritability, suspicions and yelling. I felt so ashamed and guilty each time I would yell at the kids or sometimes even Brian out of frustration and would beg both their forgiveness and God's only to fall back into the habit the next week if I had reached my limit of...inconvenience.

Where in the world had this started? When did I go off track? I'm not sure. Long ago, I noticed that my first thoughts when I would get angry were not thoughts aimed at my children, but at my husband! "If he would help me more" I would think or "He has it SO easy!"...I also noticed that I had alot of anger aimed at myself as well- as if my wrath somehow sufficed as punishment for the way I acted. Both of these were symptoms of wrong belief systems in which I was God-playing. Sure, I had what the Bible said and my "universe" that centered around me mimicked a God centered life...only I had really kicked God off the throne of my heart and replaced Him with myself. Pretty scary situation. Now, what made it extra hard was that my belief system called for alot of tolerance, so the Lord really had to allow some very *big* inconveniences in which I prided myself in repressing my anger, along with lots of "the little things"at home in which I would pout and simmer and eventually yell...to draw out the ugly idol in my heart-so I could see it. Oh, the damage it has done, but God is the Master Physician especially when it comes to "heart disease".

My problem was going to need a specialist, and praise the Lord, He is thorough. It has not been easy to keep "me" on the throne- I fought for it. To start really seeing what was going on, I had to do some serious heart digging and listening to what my flesh was screaming for whenever it was offended so that I could trade that wrong desire or belief that I was owed something- for His desire and remember that I am a living sacrifice. I had created my own set of standards instead of God's standards...I started taking back more and more time and convenience for myself that I deep down believed had always been mine. I felt justified after ALL I HAD GIVEN...yep, that was the core belief. It had snuck up on me...I tried eliminating what I thought were distractions in my life...like the computer, tv, and I thought I was making progress. These were all efforts of my own strength trying to rid myself of a problem that wasn't a time management problem, but a self idolatry problem. Every effort of sacrifice just that much more contributed to the ugly monster of self worship since it was done in my own strength in an effort to make ME feel and sometimes look better for MY honor and glory-not God's.

Anyway, I wish I could write something concise at this point which would help anyone reading this who either struggles with anger (both concealed and unconcealed) but as the title says, I am back on "milk" concerning this. The book "Uprooting Anger" by Robert Jones has been a tremendous help...especially since I was reading it alongside "Don't Make Me Count To Three" by Ginger Plowman and the book of James, Proverbs...they have helped keep the issue on the forefront and struck fear into my heart-which was much needed. I am still praying and truly have the fear of the Lord in my concerning the deadliness of this sin...but I know that I am still like a baby...just emerging in having my revealed belief system turned upside down.

God is so good and has encouraged me by bringing such a sense of peace to the house. Not that the kids still don't make messes or fight or that things don't offend my convenience and self-glory seeking flesh, believe me the Lord is providing opportunity after opportunity for me to *see* what really lies in my heart so that I can confess it and give it to Him. I do feel as if I have dropped a huge burden that I have obviously carried for a long time. My prayer is that this would be a help to someone somewhere -you can have a joy that is full, you can have peace. :)

Friday, January 02, 2009

Redeeming The Time


As you can tell, we are now able to get our pictures off the camera which makes posting more fun :)

Wow...what a year. I find that the only time I feel sad about another year passing, whether it be one of the children's birthdays or ...the new year, is when I know I didn't do my best to redeem the time to the Lord's honor and glory. When I purposefully live *in* each and every moment...nothing is wasted. I find myself looking backwards and filled with regret rather than looking forward and filled with satisfaction when I have not done my best. Friends and loved ones have urged me to embrace the "season" I am in-I am learning more and more that if I don't do this very thing, I will be filled with an empty longing and regret for oppurtunities wasted and gone. Oh how I want to enjoy each and every gift from above this next year.

I am embracing today and purposefully looking forward to whatever the Lord holds for me tomorrow. May I dedicate each and every day to Him that I may experience the fulness of joy found when I keep Him first in my life and walk in the ways He has revealed in His Word.


New Years Eve Baby

My Sister's Wedding

This post is in DRASTIC contrast to the one below...whew!

I thought my sister was nuts when she asked that all 4 of my little ones be a part of her special day...I was flattered, yes, but worried...Brianna was to be a Jr Bride'smaid, Anjolie and Lily were the flower-girls and Ayden...the ring-bearer. I was thrilled to be the Matron of Honor.

The kids all did great...even Ayden when it came to the ceremony. The people at the venue coordinating and helping with the wedding said that Ayden was the youngest "functional" ring-bearer they had ever seen in their facility :). I was a proud mama when I saw that little guy lock eyes with me and walk down the aisle with his little pillow just as if he'd done it a thousand times before. Now, the rest of the night was a bit of a challenge as this was an evening wedding, but in the important moment, Ayden rose to the occasion.

I'm having trouble labeling these pics sorry...enjoy! (btw...do you know anyone needing jr bridesmaid or flowergirl dresses for a wedding?-for free of course to my blog buddies on my list)








Belle's of the Ball...