Saturday, July 21, 2007

Broken...and spilled out...

Yesterday was trying. There is nothing like a rude awakening to help you put the important things in perspective.

Without going into the details of the day up and until the little accident, I will just tell you...I was literally at a breaking point physically, emotionally you nameitally. I was so much to that point that, as I closed the gate to the playground, I was led to and did pray for the Lord to protect my children as they played. I am so thankful He heard me because things COULD and WOULD have been much worse if I had not responded to His prompting to pray at that moment-I just know that in my bones. It is not as if I specifically pray every time we enter a playground so I KNOW this was the Lord. So, speaking of bones....

The kids were playing for about 45 min, and as I stood next to Anjolie on a bouncy type contraption she went to leap off and caught her feet on the platform as it returned to its original position. Down she fell. The platform was only about a foot and a half from the ground but as she reached her 4 year old little hands out to break the fall... her left forearm snapped-literally. She suddenly looked as if she had 2 elbows...one normal one, and one in the middle of her forearm where it was now bent. It looked as awful as it sounds. I observed this all within about half a second-but of course it felt like 10min. Then what seemed like a slo-mo silent movie was interrupted by bloodcurdling screams from Anjolie and, of course, a gut wrenching pain in my heart as I saw her precious little arm-was broken. I never thought my heart could hurt so bad over something that happens so regularly to OTHERS. I don't remember anyone telling me that a mommy's heart could hurt so excruciatingly over a broken bone! I truly believe the Lord will somehow use this incident as a unique teaching tool for a very strong willed Anjolie or a very strong willed mommy or both- for the benefit of Anjolie, and to the glory of God. I truly believe, that if I would not have prayed, something fatal could have happened...I will only know in eternity what this entire scene entailed in the spiritual realm.

My mind raced as I thought about my other kids and what would I do..".Brian is not here...is he even off work yet? Oh dear, could the bones have cut an artery? Are they arteries or veins...oh dear, maybe I can run to my friend's house across the street...oh yes, that is it...Brianna can hold the gate closed while I get help... I sure hope she can hold Ayden....oh my baby...my poor baby...Lord help me please help me do this" Millions of thoughts and feelings within seconds of this "common" accident....why was it suddenly so uncommon? I see kids with casts on all the time? No one said anything about how their mommy almost died of a broken heart when they broke an arm or leg or -anything! Why did I suddenly feel so alone and vulnerable...I found myself strangely out of my element and without tears...oh how I wanted to be able to release something. The past events of the day suddenly seemed so small and distant...this reality was so glaring. Anjolie echoed that thought by sobbing "I wish this was a dream"...oh how my heart just clenched...and then came the knife "mommy you should have caught me.*sob*..you should not have let me fall! *sob*"...indescribable grief at how she thought I had failed her in this moment. So many times I have failed her...lost my patience...said angry words, but never did I grieve over those moments until faced with this -in which I truly was powerless to spare her pain. The burdens of guilt for past failures suddenly shed light on some of the reason for my overwhelmed heart. How quickly, in the past, she would frustrate me and then, seeing my exasperation with her, tell me I don't care about her... "Oh my baby, if mommy could have caught you I would have- please know that!" I pleaded with her little doubting heart. Her trust in me was not secure...evidences of cracks in her little foundation became apparent. They were in need of major spackling...work that is much needed on my part. If she can't trust me, how can she learn to trust her Heavenly Father? My sweet broken little one clung to me with her good arm as I pounded on my friend's door about 100meters from the enclosed playground. Praise the Lord the door opened. I stood holding Anjolie cradled in my arms and quickly asked my friends husband for help. My thoughts and voice suddenly sounded oddly confident and strong...how could that be when I felt so frantic. He too was shocked at the sight of her arm and helped me get the rest of the children loaded. During the 20min drive to the ER we sang Psalm 23, which is Anjolie's favorite, and she stopped crying. We prayed for strength and grace for Anjolie to bear the pain. I called Brian who met me at the ER. The trial continued as the Corpsman tried to get an IV line in her tiny arm...they collapsed her vein after 2 attempts and moved to her hand...we held her down as she screamed and kicked. They finally got the IV and quickly gave her enough morphine to put her at ease, but not "out of it". She immediately calmed down and smiled. Both bones in her forearm were broken and they were going to have to put her pretty much "out" to set her arm. They gave her Ketamine which was about unbearable for me to watch...I looked into those beautiful blue eyes and prayed aloud as the Drs waited patiently for me to finish. Her eyes clung to mine and and tears welled in both our eyes as they pushed the tranquilizer...about 10 seconds later, she was looking at me still, but no longer "there". A single tear trickled from her eye as she ventured off into a dreamless state...I constantly talked to her assuring her I would not leave...God was with her, leading her in the green pastures. She was a precious little lamb and her Shepherd loves her. Suddenly everything seemed so heavy- much more serious than just a medical problem easily fixed-the weight of her future seemed to rest in some ways on the prayers that I uttered for her in her heavily sedated state. I can't even describe the "darkness" of the moment- nor the "fast forward 12 or so years" thoughts that went through my head. Lord please guide her, protect her, give me wisdom to teach and train her, teach her self control Lord, may she remain pure and learn to love you with all her heart Lord, Father, let her stay on the straight and narrow path...my heart poured out to the Lord pleading for her life..that it would rest in Him. I needed wisdom and grace to guide this little one-correct and inspire her to follow in the paths of righteousness...it had to start with me.

Little Anjolie "came to" with a beautiful smile and sighing "mommy"...welcome back my little one. Mommy has changed so much while you were gone...seen you in a new light. As your broken little arm heals..so will our relationship, by the Grace of God, it will be made strong and full of trust and respect..the fractures will be mended and cared for as they must be strong for a bright future serving your Lord and Saviour. You must be strong to bear the load of daily trials and the blessings that will abound when you faithfully serve the Lord, strong to embrace your future husband when he is given your hand in marriage, to make your house a home, ...to carry your children...may the trust you learn to have in me grow into an even greater trust in your Lord. He is our strength even when our "arms" are broken and we can't bear the loads.



Psalm 23:3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

13 comments:

Karen said...

Oh Heather...I can feel your pain and anguish as you comforted your sweet little child. I'm so thankful that the Lord was with you through all that ordeal and that He used it to grow you in His grace. Kiss sweet little Anjolie for me.

Grafted Branch @ Restoring the Years said...

A very compelling post, Heather. Cringing with you, crying with you...exhaling with you too.

I'm glad it's over. May you both find perfect healing as the Lord searches you and knows.

Ashleigh said...

Dearest Heather... I'm just speechless. As a mama myself now, this entire post touches my heart in ways I would never have thought possible... the agony of watching your baby endure something like this, and the heart-cries that such an incident brings forth. Oh... there just aren't words enough. You brought me to tears. Love you so very much... give that precious little girl a big hug from me.

Mishel said...

My precious friend--thank you again for sharing your heart so that others may see Christ and His faithfulness. I am changed by reading this post. I cried with you as I read this--for Anjolie and for you. How familiar I am with the feelings you shared! (Remember a conversation we had in the nursery one time about my struggles in the early years of motherhood?) God is able to heal the hurts--both physical and emotional and I trust that when Anjolie is all grown up, she will see how the Lord worked in her mommy's willing heart. God's grace is truly an amazing thing.

Much love and hugs to you and Anjolie!

Happymama said...

Ohhhh, (((((poor baby)))))....(((((poor Mommy)))))

You nearly had me in tears reading this and then her picture did push me over the edge thinking of my own little one who broke his leg on Christmas morn two years ago and couldn't ride his new scooter for 12 weeks.

I pray she is better soon. And Heather, from what I can see, you are a terrific mother. And as I was reading how you were thankful you prayed, I thought of all the mothers that would have asked "God, I prayed!! Where were you???" But God uses circumstances to open our eyes sometimes and it sounds as though He did that for you.

Praying for you and your little broken girl.

~Kristi

Deeapaulitan said...

Oh Heather, my heart goes out to you and to Anjolie. What a heartwrenching experience. Motherhood. I once heard it said that to become a mother meant that you made a choice to forever wear your heart on the outside of your body. How true it is.

Love and Hugs and Prayers.

(((((HUGS))))) sandi said...

OH! I am in TEARS! You've actually lived through my worst nightmare, and I have sooo many of the same feelings! (((((HUGS))))) to you, dear one! ~sandi

Becky said...

I know I talked to you yesterday but I read this post this morning and cried. I know we don't see each other much or talk much but you know if you ever need help with the kids I am home all day with mine. Ayden and Lily love Blayne so don't hesitate to ask if you ever need someone there for your children. I will keep you and your precious little one in my prayers.....Love ya girl!

Robin said...

I am in tears.
Thanks for sharing yur heart. Your children are very blessed to have you as their mommy.

Free In Christ said...

What a horrible thing for a mother to have to watch. You are amazing, well, should I say it is amazing to watch (through your words) the Holy Spirit work in you life. God is so faithful. I feel awful that you had to endure such an experience, but to God be the glory. You are in my prayers.

liz said...

(((Hugs))) to you and Anjolie! You definitely made this young momma cry. Praying for you both.

Heather said...

Thank you so much for the overwhelming love and support in your comments. I love those ((hugs)) God gives me via you :) I am sorry for the blanket response, but my heart still is feeling very "raw" from the whole ordeal...both spiritually, mentally. *sigh* I know the Lord has a very special plan for my children (as He does yours..you know) and I have asked for wisdom on many occasion as far as teaching and training...etc (just like I know you do, my friends. His crook is still gently tugging at my neck as He leads me in the right direction...and my heart is just feeling *extremely* fragile. I am learning about "custom training" as each child is different and must be studied in order to adjust the training according to their "bent". Love to you all...Heather

Jenny said...

Oh Heather,

What strength you must have I probably would of bailled myself.Your kids are growing soooooooooooo big.((Hugs))